Spring break has been the most amazing thing I have experienced thus far. Nothing has ever been better than this. We went to San Francisco to restore the parks with the Golden Gate National Parks Conservancy. We planted, weeded and even worked at a nursery. I devote my life to community service because if there is nothing to live for at least there is that. Helping always makes me feel euphoric. It is addictive, so I just want to do more.
We left on Saturday at 9am to drive there. I know it is always easier for people to know what is wrong with me rather than them having to find out because I am in an awkward situation. Each day we were paired with a different person, so we could get to know everyone. Initially I was going to tell just my buddy for the day, but then other people started noticing. I decided if I wanted to avoid having a miserable week they all had to know. The first day we were working on a very steep cliff. Knowing how I can barely walk on flat ground, I thought there is no way I can do any work. I could fall at any second and I wouldn't be productive being that nervous. I told them all and in a way I feel that this brought everyone closer together. For one week of my life I was treated like I was normal. No one at all made me feel I had to apologize because they had to hold my hand or hike slowly up the mountain for me. No matter how long I took or how much help I needed they were there till the end. I turned around and I had a shoulder or a hand to help me. On the last day we were working at the coastal bluffs. I looked down and though there is no way I could get down there even holding someone's hand. One of the boys carried me on his back. After one week who would be that kind to someone? After that moment I really knew that they would do anything for me. In the past I strayed away from work I thought I couldn't do, but they helped me so I could help the environment. I think that is truly amazing!
I met someone in my week in San Francisco. Normally guys will find out what is wrong with me and then decide whether or not they want to continue dating me. This definitely gives me hope that I may not end up alone. They made me see that people are good. We only had two boys with us. They took care of all of us. They opened doors and even got out of the cars last. The best part was when we were walking in downtown SF and half of us crossed the street but the other half didn't make it in time. One of the boys ran across the street through oncoming traffic so he could make sure that the other half of us wouldn't be alone. I felt that they were genuinely trying to keep us safe, and not trying to hit on us expecting something to happen later.
On this trip I did so many things I never thought I could or would do. On the first work day we got to the site early. We were standing in the rain, and one of the families close by offered us their garage as shelter. Normally I would be too afraid that they would hurt me or that they have some hidden agenda. All they wanted was for us to get out of the rain. They fed us and let us use their restroom even with our muddy feet. This taught me to be more trusting and have more faith in people. Of course I still need to use my instincts and not go through life blindly accepting everything.
I even stood in front of a store and sang for money. Never in my life could I ever imagine myself doing that. I have too many inhibitions and get easily embarrassed. Normally I would feel foolish after a few minutes and then stop, but I felt like I never wanted the moment to end.
Although the whole trip was a life altering experience, on thing in particular affected me the most; seeing a man die on the street. He was riding his bike and had a heart attack on the side of the road. One second could really be your last. Would I really want to spend mine sulking about what is happening to me? I would rather do the things I love even if it kills me. At least I will die trying.
This trip gave me hope. It restored my faith in humanity. Ever since I was diagnosed, I have constantly felt like there is a giant purple elephant in the room. Like my life is always going to be awkward. Even with my closest friends I have been the subject of ridicule I hope they all know how much they affect my life and how much I love all of them.
Things fade out and I do understand that this is only a week and it is not likely to happen again, but being able to experience it even once is better than never. At least now I have hope. If this is how my life was all the time I don't think I would ever try. I still need challenges. I truly believe that when one door closes another opens. So I'll see all of you later!!! :)
