one in a million...

that rare chance that something happens is often something that people wish would happen in their lives, like stumbling upon someone famous you've wanted to meet your whole life, or winning a prize, or even those simple days when everything goes your way. What about those one in a million chances that no one wants? I often wonder why I had to be part of that one in a million who had to get such a rare and terrible disease, but then I realize something better has to come. Maybe I'll be part of the one in a million who is in that perfect place in time where they find a cure.? I'm still waiting for the good to come...

Kindness counts, im serious...

I can't understand why other people get joy from making that one person at the party the butt of the jokes. It's as if the night is not complete until something demeaning and condescending is said about someone. I'm not saying I've never partaken, but I realize now that it will never happen again. All we need is kindness and understanding. I wish we could all just live and not worry.

IEP

This morning was crazy but turned out fine. First of all I woke up at 7:50am and Clarence was supposed to leave at 7:55. Ryan rang the doorbell right then and Clarence was still in his pjs. #1 I'm already weak as it is and #2 our house is being painted, so our doors are super hard to open with all the paper in the doorway. So I had to think in a split second I would just take him. He can't cross the street so I put on jeans and he did too and we were out the door. I already have such a hard time walking and on top of that the stress was making me feel so sick. Suddenly my neighbor Jean was driving by and offered to drive us. I stumbled but she helped me in the car. We made it barely but we did. It's times like this I know someone is there for me. Just as things get to difficult someone reaches out a hand.


I went to Clarences IEP instead of my mom since the painters were still there. Honestly seeing that and being there put me back to what I originally wanted to do. I still want to become a special education teacher so badly, and part of me thinks I just just fuck the rest and do it. Should I? Well this is life...

Oh Dear...

I just want to skip all this young crap and enjoy growing old. I am at that age where people party and drink, and hate waking up early and are so judgmental and superficial. I understand that I don't have to do those things, and for the most part I don't. I just mean that I hate that it exists and I can't be apart of it because of "health issues". I just want someone to grow old with and be in love with. Have some kids and a dog. I want to live an adult life already. Maybe in someways I am already an old person. Watching myself wither away is hard sometimes, but I try to be optimistic.

On another note I feel you should do whatever makes you happy as long as you have the means and no one is getting hurt. Who the hell cares if what you like and care about is shallow? I do what I need to to stay happy, and retail therapy is it for me for now...

Today

I woke up at 7am to help get Clarence ready in the morning and make him breakfast and a snack for the day. After he left I went back to bed till 10:30am. I took a shower, got dressed and ate some apple jacks. I payed my student loans and a credit card bill and then ate some lunch. Later I called my counselor Cathy at the Cal Dept of Rehab to discuss my case. She is trying to get me into this job training testing program in July. Later I'm going to go shopping and go to sleep. What a boring day...

I think this is the point

I realize now that I need to make some changes in my life. Today I was in Toronto took the bus and subway and was literally almost unable to walk. I could see all the people walking and talking without a thought, but here I was, every step I took was leaving me in agonizing pain. I just kept feeling sad almost wanting to cry, but I put a smile on for my family. All I answered when they asked "are you ok?" Was "I'm fine." Honestly I was dying both physically and emotionally. I think I really need to start using a walker. Will my friends accept me? They probably will stop inviting me cuz it won't fit in their cars. Or they don't want to be seen with me. I'm scared...

it's funny

I'm really trying to be happy, but I'm having a hard time. Even enjoying myself on this vacation is hard. I feel like I can't enjoy the good moments because I'm so scared of them going away. Like I'm wondering when he last time I'm going to get to wash dishes or put on makeup, or make my bed. It's like each one of those things reminds me. I'm just scared I guess. I hope this doesn't mean I'm falling down again.

yesterday

it's hard to see what I did yesterday, but I was happy that I was able to be there. Everyone was apologizing to me for how uncomfortable I must have been but I chose to go. It was sad and amazing to see someone slowly losing their mind. I'm not saying I was glad to see that I'm just glad I got to be there for her. It's sad to see two people living and breathing in a place who were once connected act like complete strangers to eachother. I don't make sense again.