hahahahah....

The arguments that have taken place around me today have been nothing short of RIDICULOUS...

I completely agree that we all have the right to do whatever we choose however we choose yo do it so long as it doesn't physically hurt another human being. But other people do have a right to an opinion and to express that opinion, but to say that what was done today was not done with the intention of hurt is completely false. Everything that was said and done was underlyingly malicious.

all of this was over FACEBOOK.... WTF...

I'd give anything to...

To be able to run again, jump again, see clearly again, snowboard again, jump and swim in the ocean again, walk in the cold with no jacket on without looking like I’m going to keel over again, go down and up stairs not holding the railing again, to carry a drink across the room without spilling it again, drive a car again, paint my nails again, tie my shoes with one foot on the ground again………

I could go on about the things I wish I could still do, but there’s just too much. I hate having this disorder, it’s like being stuck in this deteriorating body and not being able to do anything about it. It feels like you just want to get out and live but you are literally being held down and can’t move. I wish I could just live a life like before where I could apply for a job and not worry about how I would get there, or I could be in a social situation and not feel like people are noticing what’s wrong with me, because I know they are. I meet people and have to explain the purple elephant in the room and when I keep it a secret I get nervous and I appear even more clumsy and drunk. Its funny people say that I’ll find someone who will love me and take care of me, but really people don’t understand how bad this could become. My aunt is in a goddamn wheelchair and her husband is leaving her. What makes me think that I deserve any better than that? I know I’m young and there is still time, but I think that’s why I avoid trying to have a boyfriend because I know in the end of the dating they will realize what I’m becoming and leave. And people say “what about this?” or “it could be worse?” or “you have so much more than a lot of other people.” But does that really make my situation better, it really only makes it less valid that I feel this way, like I’m not allowed to be sad. At least this is not something that kills you, or is painful, Heh…

I feel the best...

in a black shirt, with day old hair, smeared makeup in my sweatpants while I lay in bed trying to sleep.

Who even reads this shit?

My 2 favorite things in the world...

I love two very simple things in this world; sleeping and showering. I guess I enjoy these things the most because they are included in those few moments in your life that are for you and no one else. It is a time to be completely isolated from everything and it happens everyday.

Sleep is amazing because it is the one thing you can do that no one can take away from you. When I sleep no one is judging me and I don't have to say or do anything. I don't have to make decisions. I can just be. No matter who or what I am in the moment doesn't matter because I'm just the same as everyone else, or as different, but no one can tell.

In the shower, yes I'm awake but for that few minutes the rest of the world doesn't matter. I don't care what people think of me outside of this space or time. And who doesn't love feeling clean? I do!

I'm such a complainer lately, but at least this makes me happy! :)

Catch 22

When you're sick all you can really do is sleep ll day, and its supposed to make you feel better. Being sick means you get plenty of rest, but when you wake up from sleeping all day all you feel is this crappy slept too much aching body headache feeling. Another reason why I hate being sick, is because it is good for you to eat, so you have food in your stomach to take medicine, but you cannot even keep food down, without throwing it up or the latter. BEING SICK FUCKING SUCKS!!!!

Still awake

Lately I've had problems sleeping. I hate waking up in the afternoon. I love the early morning, I need to see it sometime this week. What am I really trying to say?

I'm getting so utterly bored with my current situation. I have this weekly routine where nothing is accomplished by the end of it. I decided this week to really start my quest for a job and move out. I thought it would make me feel better about myself, but secretly I'm jealous. I'm being productive, and as a result no one asks me to go out. I guess there must always be something to complain or feel terrible about.

how can someone expect anyone but themselves to....

I can't understand why people blame their inabilities on other people. I know this is terrible to say but I have already accepted the fact that most people are assholes. Just because you are having a bad experience, you have to make it your own responsiblity to make it right. I can't expect everyone to automatically have an understanding of every single aspect of my life, so if they say something negative to me then I have to be the one to make it so the situation is better for me.

Today I overheard this conversation about the party I went to yesterday. This person was talking to her husband about how he just left her all alone for hours. She discussed how she felt so isolated and uncomfortable. If I were in that situation I would change the situation. How could anyone blame this on someone else. I guess I just wonder why a person can have such little motivation to make their own life better. I hope I never make my life dependent on someone else.

To Put it Simply...

I realize that the steps I'm taking can't start until December, so I decided to begin to take matters into my own hands. I was looking at jobs, and I'm starting to feel insecure. Its weird I look at the jobs I'm qualified for and I feel that there is no way I can even do that, because I'm just too young. Then I look at the jobs I want to apply for and they require a lot less then I have on my resume. I just want to find something that is perfect. The in between that is for people who have some qualifications, but not such a big responsibility right away. I feel like I'll get there on the day of the interview and me being young with little job experience besides the three years I spent with my Campus bookstore job. But then do I just work a retail job for a few years and then move up? Really, what are you supposed to do? Most people that have perfect jobs said they knew someone or it just fell into their lives. I guess I need to find an in somewhere, but its a little hard, when the only possiblities of that have their hiring on hold.

Does This Make Sense...

In the few years that I've been alive, I think I've proven in several ways that I'm adult, at least as far as I'm capable. When I traveled last summer I paid for half, got my own passport, plane tickets, and spent my own money while I was there. I've consistently held a job, I graduated college, my parents don't pay for anything, besides the fact that I live in their house. For health reasons I can't drive, but I'm not just sitting on my butt waiting for life to pass me by. Not everyone knows how or what I'm doing, but believe me I'm doing it.

So for at least that I think I deserve to be treated as an adult. This weekend this issue was discussed, and what was said is hard to remember and probably irrelevant to anyone else, but the whole point is that my parents have made a new rule. So I won't "endanger" my family by leaving the key in the door (for the record I have never done this), I am not allowed to come into the house past midnight by which time I have to call home for a ride, and if it is past that time I have to stay over whereever I'm at. I see no logic to this, and what is this going to teach me? That it sucks that I can't drive, or that I know how to lock a door? This is the most absurd thing I have ever heard, and not to be an ass, but I'm going to be out and my parents will get so tired of having to drive me. Oh dear.

It's been a while

I've been using this thing for everything else, other than what I should be doing which is writing. But then again it should really just be what I need it to be.

My life has been so many different things lately. Exciting for a few months, with some boring days and some really fun moments. As far as traveling goes, I was gone for a little over 3 months. Originally my intentions were to travel all over Asia, but I realize that requires a lot of money that I don't have, So I spent the summer traveling all over the Philippines, Japan for a few days and Canada for a month. I wanted to go to Hong Kong, but time became an issue during the last days of my trip. So when I got there I stayed with my Grandma in her nipa hut for a few weeks before the rest of my family came where I moved to the city. I think it was great being able to be in two different environments. When I was living in the country, the simplicity of their lives was very obvious. I like that there was a market outside the door everyday and people selling anything and everything just while walking around to make a living. Everyone here washes their clothes by hand and they use so many natural resources to eat and live. In America our lives appear simple, but its a very complicated process that requires the consumption of so many resources.

When I moved to the city, It was like living in LA. I had my laundry brought to me everyday We hardly ever cook, and bought everything we needed. I never felt hot or uncomfortable, and the mosquito bites disappeared. In the city going to the mall is such an experience. The malls in asia are huge. I assume they do this because they need a place that has free airconditioning to get out of the heat. For the most part, I go to the mall just to buy what I need, and leave.

Japan was such an amazing experience. We stayed for 4 days in Tokyo. Unfortunately I can't remember the name of the area we stayed in or the name of the hotel, but I do know that my favorite place in Tokyo is Hara Juku. We had to go twice because I loved that place so much. Everything in Japan is so cute and clean. You know that feeling you have being at disneyland Japan feel just like that even as late at night as it is. While we were there I had three requests: to eat good sushi, good ramen and good crepes. All of them had to do with food, but how could I leave without doing those things. For the first night we stayed in the dorms of Waseda University. The next nights we stayed in a hotel. When they ask how many people are staying they really consider that. Japan really does maximize the space they have. Our room had a tiny airplane bathroom with one bed. We went to the Tokyo Tower, and that place where they filmed Lost In Translation. Ok I looked it up and its called Shibuya Crossing. I can't even begin to explain all that we did, but in four days I know we never really took a breath. I love Japan and I definitely want to go back.

I really wanted to go to Hong Kong, but we ran out of weekends to go. In order to stay at a place free we were going to visit our uncle and stay at his place, but we got sick with food poisoning from shellfish and tap water, the only weekend he was available to take us around. Oh well Hong Kong will always be there.

Toronto was great. This was my third time going, but this time I was luck to be there when the Toronto International Film Festival was going on. I was too broke to buy tickets for any premieres, but I did walk around Dundass Square and saw a few movies at the theatre the festival was held in. I guess i was hoping I would see Michael Cera walking around the city, and casually bump into him. That did not happen. Ive been to these places before but this time I felt like I was living there, instead of a tourist. I always forget where I've been, but this year I really soaked it all in.

Now I'm just home slowly looking for a job, and seeing friends. I never realize how great they are and how fun it is to be around them. Home is fine, but I think I'm ready to move out again. Now I can say that I've been to Asia and Europe, but there is so much of the world I still need to see.

to do List...

write resume
call agency
look for job listings online
fill out forms
get necessary paperwork...

If I don't do sit ups soon

I will lose these high school abs, at least I went four years without doing a thing, good work :)

if only....

I didn't hesitate that night in the park years ago, i know everything would be different...

I've come to the conclusion

that I am a little jealous, oh well all the more reason to leave for 3 months...

UP

I was talking to someone when I felt a little tug on my shirt.  Then I heard someone say excuse me excuse me.  I turned around and a little boy said "excuse me maam can I show you something"  He tied all of the party balloons to a tiny house which floated up and then came back down.  He made the house float because he had seen it in the movie UP.  

  My little brother is autistic, so he has a lot of friends in his special education class that have different disabilities.  I picked him up yesterday from a birthday party.  His friend Eric has autism.  Eric is the boy that made the house.  It takes a lot to keep other 10 year olds happy, but these kids were happy just doing the simple things.  These kids appreciate life in a different way.  

Love the chase...

Once you have it, you don't care, Once it is gone, you feel like something is missing.  

I knew

I don't want to put  my heart out again, at least not for you.... 

For a moment, I thought I wanted to go back, maybe fall in love with Jay again, but I tried and I went back to feeling insecure.  I don't think it means I will be like this with everyone, it is only with him.  This is why I know I can't do this anymore...

a drunk girls words are a sober girls thoughts...

What I will never understand....

Why do men date you and pretend they are interested one week, then the next week they lie and start to flake, then you find out they're dating another girl.  Just save yourself the trouble and tell me the truth....

Good conversation today well at least to me...

have you ever been to the east coast? 

yup

ny or boston? where

ny

i like ny

me too

it was too city like for me though

its the kind of place that is great to get away to but not to live there.  I want to move to Seattle. 

really?

nobody i know is there, it's beautiful and isolated. I love it there.

that does sound cool 

I went two years ago and I can't get it out of my head.  have you been?

nope.  I was supposed to, but i just didn't 

tell me what you think when you go

of course 

do you like living in California?

yup

I do at times

I like the weather and the beaches, but I don't like the OC people, sometimes they are too snobby 

I agree.  The idea of just leaving not really knowing sounds good to me.  I know it's crazy and probably not stable

I did that and it was fun. eh. it's something people have to experience sometimes 

I guess when you are younger you can do those things

true 

i guess because I'm graduating, I feel like leaving would be more of a decision than  some temporary plan

hmm that's interesting...

Art

I may not paint, make films or make music, but I do know that I have passion.  I don't really care if you can tell me about every painting at the museum and what its supposed to mean .  I guess all i really care about is what it means to me.  I can't tell you who created most of the music that I'm listening to or who photographed the picture on my wall, but I can tell you that I love the way it sounds, the way it makes me feel. 

I guess I don't create art I just appreciate that it is in my life...

March 28, 2009

Spring break has been the most amazing thing I have experienced thus far.  Nothing has ever been better than this.  We went to San Francisco to restore the parks with the Golden Gate National Parks Conservancy.  We planted, weeded and even worked at a nursery.  I devote my life to community service because if there is nothing to live for at least there is that.  Helping always makes me feel euphoric.  It is addictive, so I just want to do more.  

We left on Saturday at 9am to drive there.  I know it is always easier for people to know what is wrong with me rather than them having to find out because I am in an awkward situation.  Each day we were paired with a different person, so we could get to know everyone.  Initially I was going to tell just my buddy for the day, but then other people started noticing.  I decided if I wanted to avoid having a miserable week they all had to know.  The first day we were working on a very steep cliff.  Knowing how I can barely walk on flat ground, I thought there is no way I can do any work.  I could fall at any second and I wouldn't be productive being that nervous.  I told them all and in a way I feel that this brought everyone closer together.  For one week of my life I was treated like I was normal.  No one at all made me feel I had to apologize because they had to hold my hand or hike slowly up the mountain for me.  No matter how long I took or how much help I needed they were there till the end.  I turned around and I had a shoulder or a hand to help me.  On the last day we were working at the coastal bluffs.  I looked down and though there is no way I could get down there even holding someone's hand.  One of the boys carried me on his back.  After one week who would be that kind to someone?  After that moment I really knew that they would do anything for me.  In the past I strayed away from work I thought I couldn't do, but they helped me so I could help the environment.  I think that is truly amazing!

I met someone in my week in San Francisco.  Normally guys will find out what is wrong with me and then decide whether or not they want to continue dating me.  This definitely gives me hope that I may not end up alone.  They made me see that people are good.  We only had two boys with us.  They took care of all of us.  They opened doors and even got out of the cars last.  The best part was when we were walking in downtown SF and half of us crossed the street but the other half didn't make it in time.  One of the boys ran across the street through oncoming traffic so he could make sure that the other half of us wouldn't be alone.  I felt that they were genuinely trying to keep us safe, and not trying to hit on us expecting something to happen later. 

On this trip I did so many things I never thought I could or would do.  On the first work day we got to the site early.  We were standing in the rain, and one of the families close by offered us their garage as shelter.  Normally I would be too afraid that they would hurt me or that they have some hidden agenda.  All they wanted was for us to get out of the rain.  They fed us and let us use their restroom even with our muddy feet.  This taught me to be more trusting and have more faith in people.  Of course I still need to use my instincts and not go through life blindly accepting everything.  

I even stood in front of a store and sang for money.  Never in my life could I ever imagine myself doing that.  I have too many inhibitions and get easily embarrassed.  Normally I would feel foolish after a few minutes and then stop, but I felt like I never wanted the moment to end.

Although the whole trip was a life altering experience, on thing in particular affected me the most; seeing a man die on the street.  He was riding his bike and had a heart attack on the side of the road.  One second could really be your last.  Would I really want to spend mine sulking about what is happening to me?  I would rather do the things I love even if it kills me.  At least I will die trying. 

This trip gave me hope.  It restored my faith in humanity.  Ever since I was diagnosed, I have constantly felt like there is a giant purple elephant in the room.  Like my life is always going to be awkward.  Even with my closest friends I have been the subject of ridicule I hope they all know how much they affect my life and how much I love all of them.  

Things fade out and I do understand that this is only a week and it is not likely to happen again, but being able to experience it even once is better than never.  At least now I have hope.    If this is how my life was all the time I don't think I would ever try.  I still need challenges.  I truly believe that when one door closes another opens.  So I'll see all of you later!!! :)

March 27, 2009

Today we worked on the coastal bluffs.  For me the greatest part of working there was the view of the golden gate bridge.  I just realized that there is no other way to get this view of the bridge.  I mean even just normal tourists don't get that close unless they are crossing it.  We removed some radish, mustard and night shade.  We then planted 3 different shrubs all over the bluffs.  This area used to be a landfill.  The army would dump their waste into this area.  In turn many of the native plants and animals and insects there died.  Invasive species were brought in and now need to be removed.  

On a different note, today we experienced something that was so sad and tragic.  A man died right in front of us while we were having lunch.  He was riding his bike and had a heart attack.  He fell of his bike and was unconscious.  What disgusted me was that there were two mean filming the man dying with their video cameras, and then just went back into their homes with the footage.  What were they doing with this?  How could someone possibly have the audacity to do that in this situation?  This whole situation made me realize how fragile life really is.  How would I spend my life if I knew it was ending soon?

I also had amazing conversations with Danny and Brittany.  I got to find out what happened with her and my cousin.  It was very interesting to see how someone you are related to can be towards someone you just met.  It made me realize how she was there in my life at that time but I never even knew her.  Just because people are in you physical vicinity is really not the only way to meet people and connect with them.  I feel like my relationship with Brittany is stronger because we can be more open.  In many ways I feel like she knows more about me than people in my own family.  She definitely knows more about me than my cousin that she dated.  

Today I felt like everyone helped me.  Every single person on this trip held my hand.  Pooja gave me her shoulders and Danny carried me on his back.  Who in this world can be that selfless?  To help someone to that extent that they have only known for 6 days.  I felt love all around me today.  

I  Love You All!!! 

March 26, 2009

The best part of today was working by the beach.  It was fun learning the history of the park  that we were restoring which is called Land's End.  We weeded and for the first time i was genuinely tired by the end of the day.  At lunch we wont to the caves.  Ann, Tiffani and Ngan walked with me the entire way.  Going down we took a very narrow cement path.  We took a different one coming up because we thought it would be a wider space for me to cross.  Little did we know it was so swampy and there was mud everywhere.  I stepped in mud that was ankle deep.  We thought it would be easier but it was not at all.  Oh well!

Last night was a very emotional night for all of us.  We started to talk about what we are doing here on this trip in the first place.  If we knew before and what it really means to us now.  In the end I ended up breaking down and crying.  I told everyone about literally everything and how it makes me feel.  How I feel vulnerable at times, how helping is hard to do when you can barely move properly.  How can you help others, if you cannot even help yourself?  But despite all this, they help me.  It makes me believe in humanity.  They give me hope, and i think we all got closer after that night! 

March 25, 2009

Today I felt a little vulnerable.  I went up all the steep hills with the help of my wonderful group.  This was the first time that I was working side by side with them.  Sometimes I worry that I am slowing things down or that I'm doing things wrong.  I was reminded of how things used to be, and how they have changed.  Even though I was feeling vulnerable I still felt safe because they helped me. I can't believe how supportive they are.  I am going to be so sad to leave this group.  

March 24, 2009

Today I was standing at the Golden Gate Bridge and I felt so sad as I was walking along.  I realized the last time I was standing there I was still normal.  I had nothing wrong with me or my health.  I had only set foot on this bridge when I was 10 years old and now that I am 22.  Its ironic how you can be in one place after so long and have things change completely.  Now that I was there for a second time I was a completely different person.  This scared me more than anything.  It showed me how somethings in life are so fleeting.  As much as I should not think of this it reminded me of what I was missing and what I used to have.  

On the other hand the work we did on the side of the road made me very happy.  Some bikers approached us and thanked us for the work we are doing.  People always ask if we are getting hours for this, and we simply state that we are doing this just because we want to not because we have to or because it will look good on paper.  It makes me happy to see that this group is just a bunch of kids who are doing this because we can and aren't worried about what it will do for our resume.  

I also enjoyed my conversations with Ann and Pooja.  They both asked me about what I am going through.  It really showed me how much they care about me.  I loved working in the strawberry field.  

The worst part of today was stepping in the patch of poison ivy.  I also felt really uncomfortable when we were writing our notes to eachother during reflections at the end of the night.  

I think the little connections I have with the people here are amazing.  In some small way I feel I am meant to be here.  First of all Brittany and I met briefly before college when she was dating my cousin.  Tiffani and I went to the same high school at the same time and her sister went to elementary school with me.  Jenny and I went to Switzerland on the same Summer Travel Study program, and Danny and I used to be next door neighbors 2 years ago.  His roommate had killed a bee for us, we borrowed a knife from him and we baked them cookies.  What is so funny is that we only realized these connections on the trip.  What a crazy day!

just a thought...

As much as I never wanted to be one of "those" girls, I think it has happened.  You know when a boy and a girl meet.  And they begin to spend a lot of time together, and then he starts to call her and text her.  He talks to her and sees her almost every day.  Of course the girl starts to think it means something and that the boy has intentions of being more than just friends.  Much to the girls dismay the boy doesn't even think of it.  He never considers the girl, he isn't even attracted to her in that way.  What is unfortunate about all of this is that the girl has been over analyszing every situation she has with this boy.  Every little thing he does has a small meaning behind it when really he is just doing what he feels at the moment.  

Girls and boys play really silly games...

"you need to resign yourself to the awkwardness of life"

I have always loved this quote, and didn't know what it meant to me, but now I do.  Last night I was with a friend of mine.  We talked for a long time about everything.  Then he handed me a marker and said to write something meaningful in his car.  I said I couldn't think so I'd do it at the end of the night.  Right after I asked him if there were any quotes that he loved but didn't really know what they meant till a certain moment. 

After San Francisco I understood what the quote in the title means to me.  When I first heard it when I was 15 I loved the words.  I was young and had no idea what it meant.  I think all that has happened to me makes these words real.  

On the trip I did and experienced things I would have never ever done in my life.  I mean I sang on a crowded pier with people I met in one week.  A stranger offered us shelter, and I came inside.  I climbed hills, mountains and cliffs.  So this trip has shown me that if I completely let myself go, resign myself, good things will happen.  I have come to see that resigning myself to bad or awkward situations or letting go completely, has always been positive.  

 Normally I wait till I'm in an awkward position where I am forced to reveal that I have a disorder.  I think this means that I should just tell people before they have a chance to even notice.  letting go of the awkward situation and just introducing the elephant in the room.  

At the end of the night I decided this is what I wanted to write.  Knowing that it would be painful for me he wrote it for me and I just signed my name next to it.  

Good night!

March 23, 2009

This morning I woke up a little later than usual.  I ended up only having some yogurt. When we got to the site wen pulled some poison hemlocks.  Since they were so thin and had long weeds we had to really dig to get them out of the ground.  When two dogs came near us Jenny and I kept them away from Pooja.  I think the one thing that characterizes her is her fear of dogs.  I really enjoy my conversations with her.  I was really proud of the rest of the group for clearing all of the french broom in that area.  This area had not been cleared in two years.  French broom is an invasive plant in the area that was brought in from Portugal.  Although it has beautiful yellow flowers, and is sold in some nurseries, it is ruining the ecology of the area.  

After lunch we went to the Tennessee Valley Nursery.  Here we cleaned pots, weeded and fertilized.  The boys and Pooja got the soil ready for planting.  I think its amazing how at this nursery they take seeds from the plants that they have in the areas that they restore.  They do this instead of taking cuttings to keep the population diverse.  This prevents old diseases from continuing on.  At a nursery I've worked at in Orange County they get seedlings that are store bought.  The seeds they plant are from packets that are store bought as well. I have never seen a nursery so involved with the entire process.  

The best part of the day was the beach hike we took.  Tiffani helped me the whole way.  She even listened to me the entire way back.  I told her everything about me and how I felt.  She is such a good listener.  I feel so safe with these people.  It makes me not want to leave them.  I truly feel that they would take care of me.  

At dinner we had several mishaps.  Our site coordinator Julie came over for dinner with us at the hostel.  We were trying to show her a good time but a lot of things went on.  First we lost our cheese.  Then we realized our meat was frozen solid, because we forgot to defrost it.  We also did not have a can opener to open the beans.  There was also no taco seasoning at any store that was close =, so we just used salt and pepper.  It all worked out in the end.  Danny bought cheese, Julie had a can opener on her keys and we just microwaved the meat.  Johanna makes delicious burritos, and Julie even brought us ice cream.  

The best part of dinner was the cranberry juice.  I finished the rest from the bottle.  As I was drinking it my mouth was filling up with juice.  I figured I needed to swallow but it was too late.  One phrase defines this whole night. "I FORGOT TO SWALLOW!"  Now they won't let me live this down.  Today was a good day!

March, 22, 2009

Today was very nerve racking for me.  At the beginning I felt scared.  Mainly I was scared to tell the people I was working with what was going on with me.  It actually turned out for the best.  There was an area with flat ground that I was able to remove weeds from.  My friends came after a while to help me so I wasn't alone.  

Sitting alone not knowing whether or not I could make it up was so scary.  I almost felt like crying but there were so many people around I had to keep my composure.  Julie helped me up and I was able to find something to do.  We also met an amazing family that invited us in their garage to get out of the rain and gave us some food.  Its things like this that makes me realize that people are good.  I never have to be scared, because it all works out at the end of the day.  

To Do List...

get all of the mates of state songs

get all of the regina spektor songs 

write that blog

write the event log for the HIV/AIDS forum

do the typing test 

get rid of my napping habit

update

Austin has gotten a lot bigger.  He now rolls over to be on his stomach.  He can now hold his head up but gets tired after a few minutes.  Austin grabs my fingers, and loves to put everything in his mouth.  He still slobbers a lot, and does not have object permanence.

Jacob is gone from our class. 

Charlie has many words, and uses sign language accurately.  She can walk and run and is very close to the teachers.  She always gives us hugs.  she is a bit picky when it comes to food.  Charlie can hold her marker properly and colors with both hands.  

Henry does not talk, but he signs accurately.  He climbs on tables all the time, even though we tell him to get down.  Henry eats what you put in front of him.  He runs and plays and tends to smile more when parents are around.  Henry seems to be the boss at home.  You have to firmly tell him what to do.  

Elizabeth is now crying a lot less.  She pulls herself up to stand and has gone from army crawling to regular crawling.  She makes very few sounds.  

Grayson pulls to stand up.  He can stand on his own for a few seconds.  He still puts things in his mouth.  Grayson uses the walker with relative ease.  He tries to eat dirt when no one is looking.  He only likes orange vegetables, but we mix the peas and green beans with the orange foods, which he does eat.  

Chloe is a new girl.  She crys almost all day.  she walks on her own, but has no words.  She will not eat in a chair.  Chloe is very happy when her mother leaves.  She only plays on her own when siting on someones lap.  

Someone tell me...

why is it that when you stick to your commitment, even when personal business gets in the way, you still get screwed over.  Why is being a good person even worth it?  

week 5 day 2

Austin finally rolled over today.  He's about 4 months old. He can follow objects with his eyes, and now laughs when you tickle him. Elizabeth is a nine month old Chinese girl.  At home she is always carried, so she has not had the chance to build muscle strength.  She used to always have to be carried by the aids or the teacher, but she now feels safe and can sit on her own.  When she cries while being carried Holly puts her down.  I think its because she will cry either way so she is trying to make her comfortable on the floor.  Although Grayson is younger than her at 8 months, he can stand and was trying to walk with a walker.  He fell alot, but at the end realized sitting while you fall is not as painful.  

today

austin tried to lift his head up to sit up.  He also smiles more now.  He seems to recognize faces. 

week 4 day 1

i realize that children are still trying to figure out language rules.  I think they just use the same rules for everything.  Luke was hopping while putting his legs together then apart.  He was saying "together" and "Tapart!"  He did this several times because he thought both words started with a t because of together, even if we kept saying "apart".  

Week 3 Day 3

Today Grayson was playing peekaboo with Holly.  He enjoys eating orange vegetables, and dislikes green ones.  Charlie takes short naps, but today she was able to fall back asleep in my arms.  Jacob woke up from his nap happier than yesterday. after his nap he went onto the amt and found some pillows to lay down on for about 5 minutes.  He likes to rest after his naps.  Henry slept for almost three hours.  

Week 3 Day 2

Jacob came out of the nap room acting differently than he normally does.  He didn't wave hi to me and ate very little snack.  After snack, normally he helps me put his shoes and pants on, but I had to do everything for him.  Later I noticed he kept putting his fingers in his mouth, and all the toys he was playing with.  I realized that his teeth were growing in.  We gave him a teether and he started chewing on it, but his mother came to pick him up and said no.  I think she though it was for comfort reasons like a security blanket which she did not want him to get attached to, but really we were just trying to sooth his gums.  I think this is a perfect example of the difference in the way we see the medical model.  In American group care we relieve the symptom, while the parent wants the child mind to be sound with no attachments to objects.  

Week 3 Day 1

Week 3 Day 1

Friday I got to open.  The kids come around 8am, where all the kids have breakfast together in one room.   At 8:30 they come into room 1.  Grayson, Henry, Jacob and Elizabeth missed breakfast and came with their parents at 9.  Grayson leaves his parents with no problem, Henry has to play with his dad for a few minutes, then his father can leave, and Jacob walked outside without his mom.  Elizabeth on the other hand won't leave her mother's side. 

Today, Elizabeth left with her mom at 10am.  Grayson got a haircut.  He was also making new facial expressions, and seemed to cry more today.  He was more confident with his balance trying to get himself to stand up alone but fell in his attempt.  When he found the garden hose he tried to play with it.  When he realized he could move it, he shook it.  Seeing that part move made him realize the rest of the hose that was connected would move also.  He played with this for about 5 minutes.  Jacob waves when he first sees me.  He doesn't like blueberries, but Henry loves them.  

Bubbles

I noticed that bubbles are what kids are completely enamored with at this age.  A movie called knocked up put it simply,  "kids go apeshit for bubbles."  Jacob knows how to blow bubbles out of a wand.  He completely understands the concept of how bubbles work.  When the wand did not fit in the hole to reach the soap he turned the stick over to try to fit the smaller circle into the soap hole.  Henry on the other hand thinks that putting the stick to your mouth will produce bubbles.  He doesn't know that their needs to be soap or that you must blow.  He even put the bottle to his lips thinking a bubble would come out.  Our girl Charlie was not interested in the bubbles.  

Week 2 Day 3

Today I came when Henry and Jacob were waking up from their nap.  For an afternoon snack they had juice, graham crackers, and banana.  AFter nap the children are usually wet and need a diaper change.  Henry was crying the whole time he was being changed.  He only stopped crying at the table when he was told to take deep breaths.  Grayson tries desperately to act like the big boys.  He can stand up with one hand holding on.  He went to the table when the older boys were eating snack and was copying their actions.  He also followed when the bigger boys were being changed.  Children this age seem to be mesmerized by leafblowers and lawnmowers.  Jacob was spraying water today, then putting his hands in it.  Henry plays by himself and loves the sandbox.  

forgot to mention

children love to talk about two topics: their moms and dads and their shoes.  

Week 2 Day 2

I came in at 12:30.  The older kids had just gone down for a nap.  Grayson and Austin were playing with the toys.  Austin was laying on his back and rolled over halfway, but went back to laying on his back.  He likes watching me move my mouth, and when I blow air softly into his face.  Charlie's first day was today.  She is a fifteen month old.  Henry woke from his nap crying which woke Austin up when he was sleeping on the rocking chair.  Austin always falls asleep when being fed.  

I went to a basic training meeting.  The reason they want us to use a specific  language is so the children will feel comfortable understand the words they are hearing.  When a child is learning a language, too many words too quickly can be overwhelming.  We do not say "no" because we want them to specifically know what they should be doing, not just that they shouldn't be doing something.  Also they want to minimize the children saying it to them.  

Forgot to Mention

I have a green dot on my knee that henry drew with a marker.  

Week 2 Day 1

Today I started at 3pm.  Grayson and Austin had just gone down for a nap.  Jacob and Henry woke up from their nap and had a snack of string cheese, juice and crackers.  I had to sit Henry down and put his shoes on while Jacob just stepped into his shoes.  They were both playing at the corner of the yard putting their hands in a pile of dirt.  Though they were next to each other they did not interact.  Jacob started coloring with markers and Henry followed.  After Jacob left we took Henry to the other classroom.  He always goes straight for the sandbox.  Henry plays alone even if the other kids are interacting around him.  He randomly shouts and has spurts of laughter caused by nothing at all.  I'm not sure if this is random or if he finds simple things around him funny.  Henry then had some crackers and juice, and waved goodbye to me as I left for the day.  

nap time

It's funny, I started this at 5am a few weeks ago because I couldn't fall asleep, and finally felt tired after creating it that I was too tired to write my first blog.  On Wednesday my professor for my field study class discussed how easy it was to document your life, as long as you write on a regular basis, he was talking about writing our final paper after our field research is finished.  So I figure this blog was created at a perfect time.  Now I can use it to document what is going on at my internship at the Infant Toddler Center at UCI.  Right now this will probably be boring for the rest of the world, but it will really help me write my paper.  

I am currently in room 1 or "nest 1" as they call it.  The kids range from 4 months to 17 months old.  Austin is the smallest one at 4 months old.  He tries to roll over when laying down, but has not completed the task yet, and he can also follow colored scarves that I wave in the air with his eyes.  He still does not respond to peekaboo.  Grayson is seven months old and can pull himself to a standing position.  he constantly puts things in his mouth and is eating babyfood from a jar and is still breast feed.  Austin drinks formula and always has.  Grayson loves to play peekaboo and is always surprised when I reveal myself to him.  Henry is 15 months.  He is eating solid foods.  It is hard for him to follow directions and listen to what I am saying.   Jacob is 17 months.  When he first saw me he stared at me for at least five minutes.  Its funny to me when you are meeting a child for the first time and don't know whether or not they can speak.  I looked at Jacob thinking of him saying all these things to me, but he never responded.  You can see him struggling to express himself by mouthing words and pointing.  Jacob has a strong understanding of object permanence.  When the teacher left and shut the door he peaked under the crack of the door to see where she had gone.  He knew there was something behind the door.  As a side note the infants take about 2 naps a day while the toddlers take 1 nap.  The infants naps are separate while the toddlers tend to sleep at the same time after lunch.  

I'm still learning how things happen at the center.  The children are given options in front of them so they can choose what they want to do.  Instead of being told "no" they are told what they are supposed to do.  We are also not allowed to mention any kind of opinions about outer appearance.  They want to boost self confidence, and take away the importance of outer appearance.  

So I guess this is the end.  I know nothing exciting happened, but I'm hoping I'll see some development over the next few weeks.