Tuesday, March 31, 2009

"you need to resign yourself to the awkwardness of life"

I have always loved this quote, and didn't know what it meant to me, but now I do.  Last night I was with a friend of mine.  We talked for a long time about everything.  Then he handed me a marker and said to write something meaningful in his car.  I said I couldn't think so I'd do it at the end of the night.  Right after I asked him if there were any quotes that he loved but didn't really know what they meant till a certain moment. 

After San Francisco I understood what the quote in the title means to me.  When I first heard it when I was 15 I loved the words.  I was young and had no idea what it meant.  I think all that has happened to me makes these words real.  

On the trip I did and experienced things I would have never ever done in my life.  I mean I sang on a crowded pier with people I met in one week.  A stranger offered us shelter, and I came inside.  I climbed hills, mountains and cliffs.  So this trip has shown me that if I completely let myself go, resign myself, good things will happen.  I have come to see that resigning myself to bad or awkward situations or letting go completely, has always been positive.  

 Normally I wait till I'm in an awkward position where I am forced to reveal that I have a disorder.  I think this means that I should just tell people before they have a chance to even notice.  letting go of the awkward situation and just introducing the elephant in the room.  

At the end of the night I decided this is what I wanted to write.  Knowing that it would be painful for me he wrote it for me and I just signed my name next to it.  

Good night!

March 23, 2009

This morning I woke up a little later than usual.  I ended up only having some yogurt. When we got to the site wen pulled some poison hemlocks.  Since they were so thin and had long weeds we had to really dig to get them out of the ground.  When two dogs came near us Jenny and I kept them away from Pooja.  I think the one thing that characterizes her is her fear of dogs.  I really enjoy my conversations with her.  I was really proud of the rest of the group for clearing all of the french broom in that area.  This area had not been cleared in two years.  French broom is an invasive plant in the area that was brought in from Portugal.  Although it has beautiful yellow flowers, and is sold in some nurseries, it is ruining the ecology of the area.  

After lunch we went to the Tennessee Valley Nursery.  Here we cleaned pots, weeded and fertilized.  The boys and Pooja got the soil ready for planting.  I think its amazing how at this nursery they take seeds from the plants that they have in the areas that they restore.  They do this instead of taking cuttings to keep the population diverse.  This prevents old diseases from continuing on.  At a nursery I've worked at in Orange County they get seedlings that are store bought.  The seeds they plant are from packets that are store bought as well. I have never seen a nursery so involved with the entire process.  

The best part of the day was the beach hike we took.  Tiffani helped me the whole way.  She even listened to me the entire way back.  I told her everything about me and how I felt.  She is such a good listener.  I feel so safe with these people.  It makes me not want to leave them.  I truly feel that they would take care of me.  

At dinner we had several mishaps.  Our site coordinator Julie came over for dinner with us at the hostel.  We were trying to show her a good time but a lot of things went on.  First we lost our cheese.  Then we realized our meat was frozen solid, because we forgot to defrost it.  We also did not have a can opener to open the beans.  There was also no taco seasoning at any store that was close =, so we just used salt and pepper.  It all worked out in the end.  Danny bought cheese, Julie had a can opener on her keys and we just microwaved the meat.  Johanna makes delicious burritos, and Julie even brought us ice cream.  

The best part of dinner was the cranberry juice.  I finished the rest from the bottle.  As I was drinking it my mouth was filling up with juice.  I figured I needed to swallow but it was too late.  One phrase defines this whole night. "I FORGOT TO SWALLOW!"  Now they won't let me live this down.  Today was a good day!




March, 22, 2009

Today was very nerve racking for me.  At the beginning I felt scared.  Mainly I was scared to tell the people I was working with what was going on with me.  It actually turned out for the best.  There was an area with flat ground that I was able to remove weeds from.  My friends came after a while to help me so I wasn't alone.  

Sitting alone not knowing whether or not I could make it up was so scary.  I almost felt like crying but there were so many people around I had to keep my composure.  Julie helped me up and I was able to find something to do.  We also met an amazing family that invited us in their garage to get out of the rain and gave us some food.  Its things like this that makes me realize that people are good.  I never have to be scared, because it all works out at the end of the day.  

Thursday, March 12, 2009

To Do List...

get all of the mates of state songs
get all of the regina spektor songs 
write that blog
write the event log for the HIV/AIDS forum
do the typing test 
get rid of my napping habit