yesterday

it's hard to see what I did yesterday, but I was happy that I was able to be there. Everyone was apologizing to me for how uncomfortable I must have been but I chose to go. It was sad and amazing to see someone slowly losing their mind. I'm not saying I was glad to see that I'm just glad I got to be there for her. It's sad to see two people living and breathing in a place who were once connected act like complete strangers to eachother. I don't make sense again.

Physical Therapy...

Today I went to my first session of physical therapy, and I have to say I realize I'm capable of things I don't even try on a regular basis. As simple as this is it made me happy. My therapist asked me if I could stand still for two min without falling over. I was very quick to ay no. He told me lets see, and I did it. I really had this idea that I couldn't. I did get a little sad realizing my inadequacies as well. I don't know today was just ehh...

I haven't told anyone yet, well of course I've told Roxy, but I'm seriously thinking about gradschool. I talked to Roxy last night about moving in with her and she thought it was a great idea. Then she asked me what I thought about going to grad school. She is waiting to hear from Cal Poly. I used to know for sure I was going, but after my depression I said that I know that healthwise I'm most able to work now and I know after school that may not be the case. But then I thought about how I am living for now and not later and I decided going back to school is what I really want. I don't know, just a thought...

I know...

I miss being that person, that regardless of my health problems I lived my life better than most people do. I want to be her again. I remember how good it felt to be that and I just want to go back.

Lately

I am to this point in my life where I am not constantly down. I understand again how life works. I thought I was never going to get out from under. Like I was too far down. I hope this lasts for a while. as weird as this sounds, I feel like because all this is happening to me I deserve some redemption. The fact that I haven't found a job yet, and I'll be honest I haven't been looking. I feel like I've accepted the fact that the economy sucks, so I've stopped trying. I also feel like I deserve for something to be easy and I feel like it is this. I know I need to make it happen for myself, and that is the person I once was. Its just so scary and daunting, to realize this is really life, and it sucks for me. I only get depressed when I start looking for a job, so I feel I may go down again.

I'm leaving again, I feel if I don't go for at least a month, my opportunity is wasted. I just don't care. I want it all to go away for a while. I want to be in another place, with different people. I feel I don't have friends here. If I could I would leave an never come back. I just want something different, something better.

I can't understand

In this world as much as you do the right things, you act the right way, you never get what you want. Doees that mean I need to continue on being a jerk? I'm confused.

Product Review...

Have you ever tried to love something so much that just doesn't work for you and pretty much ruins things for you in the end? That's what I did for the past few days. I invested in something in more ways than one, and I just really wanted to love it. I even justified it's presence and tried many different things hoping I would feel differently. In the end it just wasn't right for me and I regret even putting that time and effort in.

It's funny because this sounds like a lot of the things we go through with people and relationships but it is not that at all. I'm describing a situation with a material thing I bought that didn't work for me.