I think this is the point

I realize now that I need to make some changes in my life. Today I was in Toronto took the bus and subway and was literally almost unable to walk. I could see all the people walking and talking without a thought, but here I was, every step I took was leaving me in agonizing pain. I just kept feeling sad almost wanting to cry, but I put a smile on for my family. All I answered when they asked "are you ok?" Was "I'm fine." Honestly I was dying both physically and emotionally. I think I really need to start using a walker. Will my friends accept me? They probably will stop inviting me cuz it won't fit in their cars. Or they don't want to be seen with me. I'm scared...

it's funny

I'm really trying to be happy, but I'm having a hard time. Even enjoying myself on this vacation is hard. I feel like I can't enjoy the good moments because I'm so scared of them going away. Like I'm wondering when he last time I'm going to get to wash dishes or put on makeup, or make my bed. It's like each one of those things reminds me. I'm just scared I guess. I hope this doesn't mean I'm falling down again.