Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sleep...
You know I go to bed every night so excited to dream. I'm literally excited to find out what I am going to go through. I always have amazing situations. I can't even have nightmares anymore. I have this ability to wake myself up if it is too scary and I know it isn't real. It's as if in the dream world I have control over what I don't want to experience. I wish real life was that way. I think thats why I love to sleep so much, because it's always about a life that is so unlike the real one. The situations are so complex and ideal. I want to escape there, especially because my real life is so shitty. Sometimes I feel like my dreams are real and this is just a bad dream. Those hypothetical questions people ask are my life. Like people ask sometimes what would you do if one day you just lost your sight. The funny thing is I don't have to imagine because that will happen. And it's so scary to not have to answer that hypothetically speaking, but for real. And the truth is I don't know and I'm scared to death. Please let me dream away this crap tonight.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Is it only every other night...
that I can sleep? someone call me right now 3:56am I'll be happy (909)525-6931
figures...
I almost forgot it was valentine's day then I woke up to roses all over this goddamn house for everyone else but me,
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Would you want to know?
I wonder if I should find out how things are gonna get? If you could find out when you were gonna be in a wheelchair and when you would become blind would you? I could just live my life unknowing and waiting, or I could take the genetic test now to see how far my Ataxia is going to progress. I wish I knew what to do, either way I hate life.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
out of myself
You know when you are sitting down and your body isn't moving, but you hear everything and you feel like your body is moving in a direction but you are not controlling it. I feel that way.
Today during IOP I heard this story and it really got to me. here it is: This person had this plan all their life to move to Italy. They learned the language, set up a job there, made arrangements for an apartment. They completely made a life for themselves there and planned on it for years. They get on the plane, fall asleep and when they wake up the stewardess says WELCOME TO HOLLAND. Thats completely how I feel. I planned for this life all along. I had a path set out and all the resources and one day I woke up and I had no choice and I didn't do anything to cause it but things changed completely.
Lately I've been living with one foot in my grave. I mean what is the point? Staying in bed seems a hell of a lot better than the crap I have to deal with having this disease. I'm taking so many steps and I want to get better and this Friday seems lie it could be that for me, but I have all these doubts and hesitations. For one thing my antidepressants I feel are making my balance worse, and on the other end of it Its bowling with people I haven't really been completely honest with about my life. I'd rather avoid the comments and humiliation I probably won't go.
I wonder if my friends have completely checked out. It certainly feels that way. No one calls me to see how I'm doing and I think they're getting sick of having to drive me around.
Clarissa said something that completely makes sense. People say that this disease is progressive. But isn't progress supposed to be positive? I'd rather use the word chronic.
My thoughts are everyshere tonight...
Today during IOP I heard this story and it really got to me. here it is: This person had this plan all their life to move to Italy. They learned the language, set up a job there, made arrangements for an apartment. They completely made a life for themselves there and planned on it for years. They get on the plane, fall asleep and when they wake up the stewardess says WELCOME TO HOLLAND. Thats completely how I feel. I planned for this life all along. I had a path set out and all the resources and one day I woke up and I had no choice and I didn't do anything to cause it but things changed completely.
Lately I've been living with one foot in my grave. I mean what is the point? Staying in bed seems a hell of a lot better than the crap I have to deal with having this disease. I'm taking so many steps and I want to get better and this Friday seems lie it could be that for me, but I have all these doubts and hesitations. For one thing my antidepressants I feel are making my balance worse, and on the other end of it Its bowling with people I haven't really been completely honest with about my life. I'd rather avoid the comments and humiliation I probably won't go.
I wonder if my friends have completely checked out. It certainly feels that way. No one calls me to see how I'm doing and I think they're getting sick of having to drive me around.
Clarissa said something that completely makes sense. People say that this disease is progressive. But isn't progress supposed to be positive? I'd rather use the word chronic.
My thoughts are everyshere tonight...
Monday, February 1, 2010
Day 1 IOP
Intensive outpatient program
Today was definitely not what I expected. After Thursday’s two unsuccessful therapy sessions I was ready to give up and try something else that works for me, but then I realized you can’t take one bad experience and make a judgment that that is how it is always going to be. And I got a phonecall saying that I had to call and cancel if couldn’t make it. I couldn’t just not show up and it was Friday and they open on Monday so I really couldn’t call and had to go.
Today was the first time I felt comfortable and that I was able to say exactly what I needed to. No I didn’t make new friends or meet my new boyfriend there but I just liked simply being there. It’s something to wake up for in the morning. I even sat nervously during breaks while they had laughed together. Everyone had been together for a few weeks now and here I was entering their circle where they felt safe. I felt the judging eyes when I got there. I guess you could say the first step is me feeling comfortable telling my story.
Today was definitely not what I expected. After Thursday’s two unsuccessful therapy sessions I was ready to give up and try something else that works for me, but then I realized you can’t take one bad experience and make a judgment that that is how it is always going to be. And I got a phonecall saying that I had to call and cancel if couldn’t make it. I couldn’t just not show up and it was Friday and they open on Monday so I really couldn’t call and had to go.
Today was the first time I felt comfortable and that I was able to say exactly what I needed to. No I didn’t make new friends or meet my new boyfriend there but I just liked simply being there. It’s something to wake up for in the morning. I even sat nervously during breaks while they had laughed together. Everyone had been together for a few weeks now and here I was entering their circle where they felt safe. I felt the judging eyes when I got there. I guess you could say the first step is me feeling comfortable telling my story.
January 29, 2010
So today definitely didn’t go as planned. I thought I would go in and talk they would listen. Say the right words and I’d feel a little better. Instead they told me all the words I’ve been told that I know never work. I mean she gave me career advice, and then started talking about other people and how much worse off they are. And when they brought up faith and religion I was about ready to walk away. I paid 30 dollars to hear what I could hear my grandma tell me everytime I see her. And the worst part of it all is that what I’m feeling is what a lot of people go through and its not that serious. Do they need to wait till I do something drastic to see I have a problem? I never knew feeling better took planning. It really sucks that I have to figure out what to say so they’ll stop telling me this crap. And the icing on the already shitty cake I got a voicemail from Roxy and Brit saying that I better not be at a doctor for my depression.
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