You know when you are sitting down and your body isn't moving, but you hear everything and you feel like your body is moving in a direction but you are not controlling it. I feel that way.
Today during IOP I heard this story and it really got to me. here it is: This person had this plan all their life to move to Italy. They learned the language, set up a job there, made arrangements for an apartment. They completely made a life for themselves there and planned on it for years. They get on the plane, fall asleep and when they wake up the stewardess says WELCOME TO HOLLAND. Thats completely how I feel. I planned for this life all along. I had a path set out and all the resources and one day I woke up and I had no choice and I didn't do anything to cause it but things changed completely.
Lately I've been living with one foot in my grave. I mean what is the point? Staying in bed seems a hell of a lot better than the crap I have to deal with having this disease. I'm taking so many steps and I want to get better and this Friday seems lie it could be that for me, but I have all these doubts and hesitations. For one thing my antidepressants I feel are making my balance worse, and on the other end of it Its bowling with people I haven't really been completely honest with about my life. I'd rather avoid the comments and humiliation I probably won't go.
I wonder if my friends have completely checked out. It certainly feels that way. No one calls me to see how I'm doing and I think they're getting sick of having to drive me around.
Clarissa said something that completely makes sense. People say that this disease is progressive. But isn't progress supposed to be positive? I'd rather use the word chronic.
My thoughts are everyshere tonight...
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