I'd give anything to...

To be able to run again, jump again, see clearly again, snowboard again, jump and swim in the ocean again, walk in the cold with no jacket on without looking like I’m going to keel over again, go down and up stairs not holding the railing again, to carry a drink across the room without spilling it again, drive a car again, paint my nails again, tie my shoes with one foot on the ground again………

I could go on about the things I wish I could still do, but there’s just too much. I hate having this disorder, it’s like being stuck in this deteriorating body and not being able to do anything about it. It feels like you just want to get out and live but you are literally being held down and can’t move. I wish I could just live a life like before where I could apply for a job and not worry about how I would get there, or I could be in a social situation and not feel like people are noticing what’s wrong with me, because I know they are. I meet people and have to explain the purple elephant in the room and when I keep it a secret I get nervous and I appear even more clumsy and drunk. Its funny people say that I’ll find someone who will love me and take care of me, but really people don’t understand how bad this could become. My aunt is in a goddamn wheelchair and her husband is leaving her. What makes me think that I deserve any better than that? I know I’m young and there is still time, but I think that’s why I avoid trying to have a boyfriend because I know in the end of the dating they will realize what I’m becoming and leave. And people say “what about this?” or “it could be worse?” or “you have so much more than a lot of other people.” But does that really make my situation better, it really only makes it less valid that I feel this way, like I’m not allowed to be sad. At least this is not something that kills you, or is painful, Heh…