On one hand I"m better...

Yesterday when I woke up in the morning, I felt like I had a revelation. I think the weekend was really amazing which kind of changed my mindset.

On Thursday when I went bowling with Synthia. It was literally the first time I had been out with someone other than my family in two months. This whole event was anxiety ridden of course. I literally had an anxiety attack and had to force myself to just fuck it and go. When I go out I actually always plan ahead and put my jacket and shoes on before I'm gonna leave so I don't stress myself out trying to rush out the door which of course makes me appear more uncoordinated, and I really can't take anymore drunk comments. So Synth called me two hours earlier and said if I wanted I could come with her to Bryan's house and leave from there or just pick me up to go bowling. But of course I was already uncomfortable so why not just go. I of course had to rush and my legs were litterally shaking, It's like they stopped working. Finally I sat with the feeling and it stopped before she came. First of all I hate bowling. I used to be ok, but now with the heaviness of the ball mixed with my incoordination, mixed with the slippery floors, and my bad eyesight, it's just a bad combination. I feel nervous when I do it, just the eyes watching and me feeling like I'm about to fall over But you know I went and I didn't bowl just watched, and I had on ok time. I realize I'm not as witty and funny as before, so I felt uncomfortable like no one was talking to me. and of course since I haven't been out I'm out of the loop on everything funny that has happened recently. But when I talked to Synth I felt good. I still don't think we were as we used to be but I guess that will take time. I was so nervous even seeing Kelle that I tripped on my feet and had to hold on to a wall. I felt so embarrassed. I haven't told her yet, so I think she still wonders what is wrong with me. Even as awkward as Thursday was I was still glad I did it.

Friday was fun and relaxing. I went over to Kat's house and ate pizza and watched a movie and held Jackson. her baby. I love how Kat doesn't treat me like I'm broken. She lets me hold her baby and doesn't act like I'm a danger. I feel comfortable with her. I would never drop someones baby so why dod they act like I'm gonna kill their kid? I'm a human being too.

Saturday I still needed at least one day to stay in bed. It was what I needed and I loved being home. I watched Clarence all day while Mom and Dad went to a wedding. Doing things for Clarence is one of the only ways I feel I contribute and use what I went to school for. I deal with him in all aspects because he has autism I tutor him and in the morning I help him get ready for school. He has very strict routines, that he needs to stick to and I understand what he needs. This is what I feel good about, like I have a purpose.

Sunday was the best part of my weekend. Brittanee and Roxy came over to pick me up and we ate and talked for hours. It just felt good. Brittanee said something that really surprised me about my life. I always trust what she has to say because I know she's intelligent and has seen me change as a person especially when I was at UCI. They are honestly the best friends I could have. In the time I was going through all of this they would call me all the time and still invite me out even when I would say no. They were always honest with me when I was being stupid and irrational. Even when they felt they could do nothing and couldn't possibly understand what I'm going though they did something that helped a lot. I just love them and I'm sad that I don't live with them anymore, because those were the best years of my life.

After Brittanee's, Roxy and I went to Aditi's birthday dinner it was only Karan, Angie, Aditi and us but it was still amazing. We laughed and we talked about life now and how much fun we had in the dorms together. I was even honest about how I was and how I have this disease and they were so cool and nice about it. We even have an LA trip planned for this weekend. I'm so excited for that, and guess what? we're going bowling. Everyone fucing loves bowling, and I hate it.

Later when we all left, Roxy and I went to Arroyo Vista to pick up her laptop from Onye. Because I was in AV I called Ladi up and we got to see eachother for a little while. It was amazing. I told her everything that was going on and how I felt alone and she just listened. It turned out to be an awesome night.

When Roxy and I drove home we got stuck in traffic. We had a lot of time to talk about college and love and living together. I miss her so much. Living with other people was the worst, she was the best roommate I ever had. We had such a level of comfortability and mutual respect. I love her.

So I realize for now I'm happy. and I realize I can't change anyone but myself. If I hate what people say and I'm constantly embarreased then I"m living with my foot in the grave, when Im not even dying. As far as the things I can control, which is how I take what other people think of me, I am ok, but the things I can't control I'm still afraid of. Ahhhh life!