religion, god, faith all of the above...

This is where I am lately...
I recently started going back to church on Sundays, sometimes with my cousin, sometimes by myself, but now I know I go for me, everyone I go there with is only my way of getting there, not my reason. I love learning and hearing people's words, so going to church is something I enjoy. The one thing I love about the Catholic religion is that no matter where you are in the world you can understand the words they are saying. Mass is the same no matter where you go. I've been to mass in Italy, the Phillippines, the U.S. and Canada. No matter where I've gone it has always been said in the same order, with the sane scriptures. I like that sense of security. I like the tradition of it all.

I realized today while I was sitting at mass that I never have thought of Jesus. When I pray it's always to God. I don't memorize prayers, I just talk, and I ask, and I write, and I read. I've been taught that there was a time when Jesus lived among us and walked around as man. But that is the thing about it all, I want something to believe was there, that is better than me, not just like me. It probably helps a lot of people to view Jesus in that way, but I just don't. I think that is why I've never considered him.

Everything has rules. Otherwise running something would just be difficult with chaos. For me religion is a guide, not a be all and end all. I'm Catholic, but I am pro-choice when it comes to abortion, and I'm for doing whatever makes you happy therefore marry whoever you want, man or woman. I certainly deserve the right to love a man, and I would hate it if someone told me I couldn't love someone. It contradicts some of our most basic rights, and that I do not agree with it. I don't think that should make me less of a Catholic. How can I be immoral for wanting happiness for everyone?

If I'm angry with God, he must exist. Otherwise I'd be angry at nothing. It would be such a cop out to be angry and then act like he is not there, because I just don't want to believe in him, and yes I do think God is a man, I feel that. When a blind person is asked how they know something if they can't see, it's because they feel it. I feel this. I can't just believe in him when things are good, bad happens too. I understand that people say that everything happens for a reason, but then why did this happen to me? My life has not been extraoordinarily different. I was a good person who did what was generally right. I'm angry because I know that God puts you on a path, but mine is so horrible. It's funny people are always religious and thanking the Lord for the path he is putting them on, but when the path sucks and it's not what is expected people get angry with God. I am angry becuase I see no logical explanation for what is going on in my life. If it is happening for a reason, what is the reason? I think that whoe reason thing is a cop out because there is no real answer. People say I got this disease because I need to learn how to deal with this and overcome, and I'll become better because of it. But honestly why did anything need to change? I was already living right, being kind, helping others. I mean I spent so much of my life devoted to UNICEF and helping the environment. Am I being punished for not going to church every Sunday, and being a member of religious groups, for not actively spreading the word and converting people. I think helping people is more important than all of those things. Its funny how just doing volunteer work and heping others doesn't make you religious, going to church does. I used to say I helped people, because it's God's will, that I was doing all of these things despite my disability but now I realize I only did those things before because healthwise it was possible and I wanted to. I don't do volunteer work now because I am not physically able but I still want to, not because I'm not religious.

I agree that some people need religion to get them back on track, but I thought I was already there. It has helped a lot of people, and I'm happy for them, but I thought I could do it on my own. It's like God gave me this hardship so people could tell me its because I've strayed away. Even if I've gone back, I still have this disease.

I'm trying but I'm still angry. I need and want something to believe in. I want this to be the reason that things suck. I want this to be the reason that things get better. I need to know that God would never make it so hard that I'd give up. I need to believe that God has someone out there for me to love and love me, and that will accept and take care of me I just need something becaue there is nothing left.