Right now...

I tweeted this earlier and it's just true. Today was just so physically and emotionally draining. I always wait an uber long time if I want to see my neurologist. She's really difficult to schedule an appointment with, and she is in Irvine, so I feel like I only go to her when I need her to fill in paperwork. That's all my life ever is, trying to prove, on paper that I need changes in my life. After talking to her and asking her so many questions, I feel like my life is about to take a turn in a direction, that I'm not sure I'm ready to go for. But then again I don't feel like anyone is ever ready for anything. There is always something wrong with now, but you just need to rip off the band aid when it comes to making uncomfortable changes.

I never really thought of myself as a person needing physical therapy, but I guess it's better to start now. I fell like I'm admitting defeat. I've been choking and coughing a lot lately, losing control of my eating, so my doctor is sending me to a swallowing therapist. Today I even choked on the protein bar I was eating and at lunch. Sometimes it makes me not want to eat in social situations. I remember I was eating nachos with Synthia and I choked. I did it out of nowhere and felt so humiliated. Next I was referred to a nutritionist. I guess since eating regular food is becoming difficult I need to find what works for me to stay healthy. I was also referred to do some physical therapy since, I can't exercise normally. I have felt my speech slurring more often lately. Because of that I was referred to start going to speech therapy. I feel like every little thing in my body is shutting down. It makes sense though. Dr. Neff is just so intelligent and puts it so I can understand. She was talking to me about how literally every function we do in our everyday lives first passes through the cerebellum. It's where things pass and then they do what they are supposed to do. For me since I am losing brain cells more rapidly in that area, all those everyday functions from swallowing, to talking down to writing are jeopardized. I feel I have to stop and think before I do all of those things, or something will go wrong, I'll choke or ill fall or the words i say could come out jumbled. They used to be automatic.

I am also going to set up a consultation with the Ataxia specialist at UCLA. It's hard when you need answers and the doctors are still learning as well, so they have questions too. Because so little research is done on this, she suggested I write to the journal of movement disorders about my negative health experiences with the antidepressant Selexa. I feel lie just going to a psychiatrist instead of medicating the problem. And the icing on the cake is that with cerebellar disorders like mine depression is more likely. Not just because there is an obvious life change, but chemically serotonin levels are jeopardized.

I know I've thrown around a lot of medical jargon, but I guess this is only for me and not for anyone else. I had all these plans for my life, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to put them on hold to take care of me. I have so much to process and it's just overwhelming. I don't know how I'm even gonna get there since I don't drive.

And the shoes. I said I would leave it up to fate, and I did. He wasn't working when I went to return the shoe. So no I haven't talked to him since Tuesday. I'm too scared to call, but I really wish I could.

Whoever reads this long bullshit thanks for caring...